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I know that the news is grim enough right now: floods, junior doctors strikes, Isis … Note to anyone from the hacking group Anonymous who might have stumbled across this website on the basis of my one mention of Isis – oops, that’s two mentions now. I know you’ve been a bit trigger happy with your attack, shutting down perfectly innocent non-isis related websites (damn, three mentions), just because they happen to mention the word Isis (shit!) on their pages, including some of the BBC news pages. But, just because I’ve mentioned Isis four times (bugger! five times) in quick succession, I want you to know that I am just a simple folk singer with a blog, so don’t mistakenly shut me down. On second thoughts, yes, shut me down, and then I’ll have an excuse not to continue with this crazy daily blog nonsense, and I can live a life again. Yes, shut me down, please shut me down! Isis Isis Isis Isis Isis Isis Isis Isis Isis Isis Isis Isis Isis Isis Isis Isis Isis Isis Isis Isis Isis Isis Isis Isis Isis. Please shut me down Anonymous, and save me from this torture.
No, I’m joking, I’m actually enjoying myself, even if no one else might be. Seriously though, please do not shut me down because this blog post is actually very important and could save millions of lives.
So with all this bleakness in the world, I feel guilty about adding to it, but at the same time I am aware of my responsibilities as a citizen of planet earth. I was planning on writing a cheery blog about something funny that happened to me seven years ago that I pretended happened to me today, because “a funny thing happened to me once, well, actually it happened to my friend” isn’t quite the same, is it? But then I made a terrible discovery which shook me to the core. I knew instantly that it was my duty to notify you all, since seemingly no one else has noticed this disgraceful human abomination.
Firstly, if you are a virgin, live with a virgin, or know a virgin, then you need to take precautions immediately. A plea to all virgins: Do Not Leave The House, baton down the hatches (if you have any, otherwise just lock your windows and doors). I’ll explain all in this blog post.
Since I’ve started this daily blogging lark, my mind has been a lot more active in observing everything, no matter how small, just in case something gives me inspiration for a blog post. Something seemingly incidental, insignificant, tiny or pithy can end up becoming the catalyst for pages of ideas. So, today I was absent-mindedly studying the toilet role packet while on the toilet. It was then that I noticed it. But there was nothing incidental, insignificant, tiny or pithy about this observation, in fact, it was horrifying. I read it, gasped, read it again, gasped again, felt a queasiness come over me. The shock was so great that it caused me to defecate, but fortunately I was on the toilet so that wasn’t particularly an issue. It was one line, four words, written in an innocuous font, in small writing. And this, my friends, is what I read.
“Made from virgin pulp.”
I know. I imagine you too are feeling the same sickening revulsion that I felt when I first read those words. How long has this been going on? Who is responsible? Why would someone want to pulp a virgin into toilet paper? Why would they even advertise the fact? So many questions racing through my mind.
I knew I needed to act, and fast. Maybe this was just a nascent enterprise. Maybe I was one of the first people to buy one of these toilet roles. Maybe someone working in the package printing department of the toilet role company had acted as a whistle blower, risking their life to raise the alarm. For all I know, this might be the one and only warning packet that they managed to successfully print and ship before they were found out and eliminated.
So many questions kept rattling through my brain: why virgins? How did they source the virgins? Does it matter how old the virgins are? Is it both male and female virgins? Are children exempt? But these were questions that would have to wait. The only question that was important right now was what am I going to do about it?
Well the first thing was to get off the toilet, but there was a certain task that needed to be taken care of first. I felt sick as I wiped my backside. Which poor pulped up virgin was I wiping my backside on? I wondered. I flushed the toilet and washed my hands; hygiene is still important, even in such a crisis as this, in fact, it took on a greater pertinence on this occasion as I felt that I had blood on my hands, virgins’ blood. As I abluted, I mused darkly on how I might be able to wash away the physical matter, but I will never be able to wash away the memory of this moment, for this revelation would sully me for life.
In a panic I did the first thing that came to mind. I turned on my laptop, opened a blank word document and began to feverishly type. The blog you are reading now is the result of that typing frenzy. It may be badly structured and poorly written, but I just needed to get something down and uploaded to the website. I know the blog posts’ introduction may have seemed a bit banal, given the terrible subject that this blog contains, but I think when I first started typing I was in such huge shock that my brain temporarily stopped functioning properly, and I just started writing trite drivel. But I don’t have time to edit. Every second I waste on redacting might potentially be costing more virgins’ lives. I must go and upload this blog post now and get the news out there. Then we can decide how to go forward from here…
I’ll be back tomorrow with hopefully more information. Who knows what news the new day may bring. In the meantime, stay safe, especially if you’re a virgin. Oh, and check your toilet role packets. Together we can stop this !!
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