Download today’s Dollop in its audio form here
So yesterday I wrote about a lady called Pony, and today I’m writing abouto a lady we encountered who was pretending to be a dog. I’m not sure whether this lady is also part of the woofer movement and pretends to be a dog to ingratiate herself with organic farmers (see yesterday’s Dollop if you’re completely conufused).
The dog-lady was running around the festival site entertaining the children. She would lie on the ground, roll over, allow people to tickle her tummy (Sean and I had to hold Michael back, who finds that kind of thing kinky and highly arousing). All the while she would bark and howl. The dog-lady’s owner was a man on stilts playing the bagpipes. The man would play and she would howl and bark along. As the bagpipes crescendo to its ear-splitting finale, the dog-lady let out one final long and loud howl whilst lying on her back and pissing into the air. It was a water pistol filled with water which she had positioned between her legs. The pissing finale did nothing to pacify Michael’s state of sexual arousal.
We’ve been at the festival now for two days, and we’ve seen this stilted bagpipe player and pissing howling dog-lady around the place for most of that time. I am fascinated to know what makes these people tick. Are they doing this for money, or just because they really enjoy it? If they’re doing it for money, do they work with an agency who haggles and touts on their behalf? Maybe this is bigger business than I think.
“They’re not going out for any less than £500.”
“We can only do £400.”
“Fine, but you won’t get the pissing for £400.”
“Oh no, we must have the pissing.”
“She won’t piss for any less than £500.”
“What about £450?”
“Well, OK, but she’ll be howling much quieter than usual. If you want the full pissing and howling experience, it’s £500. Take it or leave it.”
“Well, er, it’s a lot of money, we’ve not got a very big budget. I mean, we’ve been offered other pissing dog acts for £300, so …””
“Listen my friend. This dog-lady has barked, howled and pissed for celebrities. She barked, howled and pissed for Kerry Katona’s house warming party. So you can go for a lesser established pissing, barking howling dog act, or you can go for my client with all her years of experience in the field. It’s up to you. It’s a highly competitive industry, the pissing howling dog-lady world, but my client has risen to the top.
Let me get some testimonials up for you. “Proper good like,” Kerry Katona. “Oh my god innit, dat pissin dog was well wicked man,” Dappy from N-Dubz. “I’ve seen a lot of pissing howling dog acts in my time, but this one was truly the best. Piss be with you always,” the pope, AKA God’s representative on Earth, so technically that’s an endorsement from God as well.”
“Hang on, did you say Dappy from N-Dubz? OK, £500 it is.”
I wonder what’s going on in the lady’s head when she’s on her sixth hour of pretending to be a dog, rolling around the floor, growling, howling barking and pissing. It would be fascinating to have access to her inner-monologue whilst she’s in the process of rolling on the ground, howling and barking. Is she thinking about what she’s going to have for tea when she eventually gets home? Is she having depressed thoughts, as she wonders “where did it all go wrong?” Does she think back to when she was young and her dreams of being a famous actress, and how her younger self would be appalled that she’s ended up acting the part of a howling pissing dog? Or perhaps her mind is constantly on the job, always thinking up ways in which she can improve her act. “I think I might try pissing at more of an acute angle next time. I think that might look more impressive. And maybe just a little longer on the howl the next time.”
I am also curious to know about the relationship of the dog-lady and the bagpipe playing stilt walker. Are they in a relationship? Or just friends? Or maybe they’re just colleagues, and they don’t really socialise out of work hours. If they’re in a relationship then I wonder whether they were together first and then they decided one day to leave their jobs and create a pissing dog stilt walking bagpipe playing act. I mean, how does a conversation like that even happen?
“Oh god, here we go again. Another day at work. Same old same old. God, I’m depressed darling.”
“I know, me too. International diplomacy is just not doing it for me any more.”
“If only there was something we could do together, and earn a living from doing something that we both love.”
“Hang on, maybe there is. We’ve got some stilts, we’ve got some bagpipes, we’ve got a dog costume, we’ve got a water pistol.”
“Why, of course we have. Why didn’t we think of this before. It’s so obvious. I’ll call work and tell them I quit.”
“Me too. It’s time to live our dreams!”
Or maybe they met through work. Maybe they were both appearing at the same festival and they met and fell in love. She was rolling around on the ground and she looked up and saw him there on his stilts. She always did have a thing for men on stilts. And then she became seduced by his beautiful bagpipe playing. Meanwhile, he couldn’t help but be drawn to the dog lady rolling around on the ground, letting out howls that stirred a passion deep within his loins. And then, when she pissed, he nearly toppled off his stilts in excitement. Now this was his kind of woman. He’d always had a thing for ladies who dressed as dogs, rolled around howling and pissing. They were a perfect match, although it was a bit awkward for them both the first time they saw each other out of their costumes.
If they are in a relationship then it would be fascinating to hear their conversation just before and after their day’s work. If they’re having domestic problems, does it affect their act? Maybe she tries to trip him up by rolling into him, and he deliberately plays her least favourite tunes on the bagpipes, and maybe gives her a little kick when no one is looking.
So, I’ve come all the way to Australia, and of all the things I could possibly tell you about, I’ve chosen to write about a lady pretending to be a dog. I never claimed to be a travel writer.
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