`Download the audio version of today’s Dollop here
I’ve written in a previous Dollop how a fairly innocuous blog post of mine has become the most popular that I’ve ever written, simply because people stumble across it while searching for “Mongol sex.” I won’t go over the reasons why I come up in Google’s search results for that phrase; if you’re interested you can read about it here. Today, while looking at my website stats, I discovered that yesterday someone found my website by searching for “young Hungarian fat gay boy.”
I really wish I hadn’t, but for the purposes of research I typed “young Hungarian fat gay boy” into Google and skim read the results in order to see how many results you’d have to go through before you reached my website. I got to result 200 before I gave up, feeling rather unnerved. So goodness knows how many results this person had to wade through before they came to my website. I like the idea that someone was absorbed in a fifteen hour niche porn marathon, and then they stumbled across my search result, which was Dollop 26, entitled Dyslexic Gay Hungarian Plumber. I’d like to imagine, despite the lack of pornographic content, they became drawn into my story about attending a focus group at my housemate Elsa’s place of work, which was what that paritcular Dollopswas all about.
“I was really enjoying watching hours of young fat Hungarian gay porn, but now I’ve lost my appetite for that, and am really loving reading about the life of this folk singer from the UK. Oo, I’ve just noticed he’s written a blog about his kettle. I must give that a read. I’ll just pop my clothes back on first.”
Elsa has been asked by our next-door neighbour if she’ll look after her two cats for the next few days while she’s away. Elsa was delighted by this, looking forward to spending some quality time with a couple of cute animals, by which I mean the cats, not me and Ben. However, our next-door neighbour’s departure seems to have coincided with the cats getting diarrhoea, and so Elsa has been spending her day cleaning up watery cat faeces. The cats are also being very surly and unsociable, so this hasn’t turned out to be the treat that she was hoping it would be.
I wonder whether this was deliberate on the part of our next-door neighbour. Perhaps she’s being getting annoyed with us for playing music too loudly, and rather than dealing with it in a conventional manner, has decided to punish us by going away for five days, entrusting the cats to us which she deliberately fed with diarrhoea-inducing food.
If anyone has any tips about how to cure cat diarrhoea then please get in touch.
Last Sunday was my housemate Ben’s birthday, and I mentioned in Sunday’s Dollop that there are hundreds of results that come up in Spotify for the search term “happy birthday Benjamin.” The amount of tracks that Spotify has is crazy, and the types of tracks it has is even more crazy. For instance, if you type “music for cats” into Spotify, hundreds of results will come up. This is music that is apparently meant to appeal to cats and make them feel relaxed.
You’d have maybe thought that one album designed for cats would be enough, but there are loads of them, including: Cats 101 (music for cats to calm, relax and help cure separation anxiety). Cat Dreams (relaxing music for cats and cat lovers) vol 1. So this presumably is music designed for cats and cat lovers to enjoy together. Light a few candles, and unwind with your cat while listening to this album designed especially for crazy people and the cats of crazy people.
Calming Music For cats (reduce anxiety during, fireworks, sickness, pregnancy and grooming). Then of course there’s Cat Dreams (relaxing music for cats and cat lovers) vol 2, suggesting that there’s enough crazy people who bought volume one to justify another volume.
Music For Cats (Extra Long Kitten Edition). I don’t know whether this is an extended edition of the album or whether it’s music designed for extra long kittens. Perhaps it comes with a disclaimer: “warning, not suitable for kittens under 120 centre metres in length. Keep away from cat lovers under 100 centimetres in height, as it could cause negative side effects.”
There’s also Organic Relaxation Music For Cats And dogs, vol 6. This is presumably for those people who are worried about the effects of artificially modified cat relaxation music, although it’s interesting that they’ve lumped cats and dogs together, assuming that they’d like the same kind of music, which is a highly controversial opinion in the pet relaxation music community. Plus there’s also a lot of debate about whether organic pet relaxation music is actually any better for your cat than ordinary pet relaxation music, or is it just a con to charge crazy pet owners more money for essentially nothing? This is an argument that has raged for years and isn’t going to be solved any time soon. Still, as contentious as this album is, they have managed to release six volumes of the stuff, suggesting that there are enough crazy pet owners to warrant churning them out.
Perhaps we should try some of this music on Nigel and Molly, the two diarrhoea-ridden cats under our current care. I might try the relaxing music album designed for sick cats, or maybe I should take a more psychological approach with this, as their illness might be down to missing their owner, in which case Relaxing Cat Music To Help Cure Separation Anxiety might be the best solution. I’ll update you tomorrow. It’s nice to have something to look forward to isn’t it?
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