Download today’s Dollop in audio form here
When you type David Eagle into Google (something which obviously I’ve never been so egocentric to do – I’m getting this from other people, you understand) you get a list of related search queries. These are based on what other people have previously searched for, in addition to the name David Eagle. At the top of the list is “David Eagle blind.” The same thing happens for the search term The Young’uns. So it seems that “blind” is the most commonly used word to follow after my name and the name of my folk group.
I’m not sure in what context these searches are being made. Are they watching the Young’uns live and thinking, “that one on the left looks a bit different. Do you think he’s blind? Well this ballad’s starting to get on my tits anyway, so a Google search will be a welcome distraction.” Or Are they typing David Eagle blind in order to be taken to the correct David Eagle. Is “David Eagle blind” viewed as the most expedient way of getting to me? I’d much rather it be “David Eagle sex god,” or “David Eagle genius,” rather than the majority of people plumping for the disability tag.
The spellchecker is unhappy with my use of the word plumping, and is telling me that it is incorrect. I started to doubt myself so did a Google search, and it’s David Eagle one, spellchecker nil, helping corroborate why “Davidd Eagle genius” would be just as valid a search term as “David Eagle blind.”
During my plumping search I also came upon the Urban Dictionary’s definition for the term “plumping”.
“(1) When one or more men go out to a club, bar, or McDonald’s for the sole purpose of hitting on and/or hooking up with overweight, fat, or, preferably, obese women.
(2) A great american pasttime, also known as “fat macking”
” Hey man, me and John are gonna go plumping tonight, would you like to accompany us?”
“I would LOVE to attend, I thoroughly enjoy plumping!”
I like the fact that they’ve included some dialogue between two characters to help us see how the word might be used. I don’t want to be snobby and prejudice here, but the way these two characters are speaking to each other seems at odds with the activity they are about to partake in. Their speech seems too formal to fit with the subject matter: “Would you like to accompany us?” “I would LOVE to attend, I thoroughly enjoy plumping!” Their way of addressing each other is rather formal and refined when you consider that they are essentially just about to crawl the streets to have sex with chubby women, unless they get really lucky and bag an obese one.
Hello to anyone who’s stumbled across this website when searching for David Eagle plump or David Eagle obese. You’ve got the wrong David Eagle, but you are very welcome. I am the blind David Eagle. That’s what I’m best known for – being blind.
Currently, when you search for “David Eagle blind” you get lots of interviews that I’ve done in which I am asked about being blind, as well as all the various blog posts I’ve written where I’ve referenced being blind. However, I’ve realised that there is scope for changing what comes up in search terms, and perhaps I can help create a better image for myself than simply being identified most easily by my blindness. Baring in mind that most of the pages linked to in the search results were written by me, I can set an agenda here. Obviously Google gives the searcher a bit of a taster of the content on the particular page listed, and so at the moment when you search for “David Eagle blind” you get a line of text for each result, such as, “So, baring that in mind, all that this exercise proves is that I am able to search an inbox, which ironically, a non-blind David Eagle imposter could more easily …” which is an extract taken from my 21st Dollop. So here are some things I would like Google to show people when they search for David Eagle blind. Hopefully by writing this, my wish will become reality.
David Eagle has been unanimously crowned World’s Sexiest Blind Man, in a vote cast by thousands of the world’s top glamour models. That’s right, even sexier than David Blunkett.
David Eagle has won the award for most intelligent blind man for the 25th year running. “Thoroughly well deserved, the obvious winner,” said Stephen Hawking. “I’d take my hat off to him , but I can’t, for obvious reasons. That was a joke, and you can’t call me out for being sick, because I am Stephen Hawking who is saying this. If it was someone else doing a cheep joke about my terrible physical disability then that would be different, but I am Stephen Hawking, and I am saying this, which is therefore allowed. Remember to put this bit in quotes when you’re writing it up so that people know that it’s definitely a quote from me and not a sick joke by a journalist.”
David Eagle might be blind, but that hasn’t stopped him becoming a commercial airline pilot. “We are delighted to welcome David Eagle onto the team,” said Stelios Haji-Ioannou, boss of EasyJet . “He is the first blind pilot in history, and we believe that this is a landmark moment for equality of opportunity, and even more importantly, it means that we can pay him less because we get a special equality and diversity grant from the government. Being a budget airline, we are looking to employ more pilots who are blind, helping keep the costs down for us and our customers. We are also offering a voluntary blinding for all of our current non-blind pilots who are worried about losing their jobs due to our new pilot recruitment drive to find even more blind people. We believe that the voluntary blinding scheme should allay any sighted pilots fears about being made redundant by this new and exciting initiative. We are truly humbled and honoured to have the world’s most intelligent and sexiest blind man working for us, although we are a little concerned that he might distract our air stewardesses, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it, providing David doesn’t crash into the bridge, killing us all.”
There, that should give Google something to work with, and should confuse quite a lot of people who search for “David Eagle blind.”
Feel free to leave a comment below with your own suggestions, as this will help increase the likelihood of getting this specific blog post to number one for the search term “David Eagle blind,” resulting in the confusion of even more people.
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