Listen to the audio version of this blog post here.
I’m writing this blog post on a bus. I’ve been on it for half an hour and I’ve had it up to here (sorry I forgot, you can’t see me—that’s about 4 metres) with the man sitting next to me. His text alert is the “wazzup” clip from that Budweiser TV advert from about twelve years ago.
Immediately, when I heard his choice of text tone, I began to make value judgements upon the man. He’s obviously someone who’s very uncool, but harbours the major delusion that he is cool. He is trying to be ironic by this text tone, being cool in a kitsch kind of way. But in actuality, what he’s really screaming is: “I’m a massive twat who needs to grow up, except the transience of my existence and that I am inevitably at some point going to die. But I can’t accept that. The thought terrifies me, so I mask it with veneers such as out-dated novelty text tone trinkets–TV adverts that remind me of when I was younger–to a dawn my fragile cave in a feeble attempt to ward off the bats that represent my impermanence and insignificance.” That’s exactly what I hear when I hear his “wazzup” text tone. He might hear the sound “wazzup”, but I hear that big long sentence, word for word.
By the time I’ve heard that big long sentence in my mind, the “wazzup” sound comes again as he receives another text. It’s getting very frustrating. I should feel sympathy for the man, knowing the real reason for his choice of text tone, but I’m only human (something that at least I, unlike he, is willing to except).
This has gone on for 40 minutes now, and I am beginning to think about giving impermanence and transience a bit of a helping hand as far as this gentleman is concerned. But I think death might be a little bit extreme. I am however very tempted to stick the phone right up his arse, giving him a rather surprising answer to that bloody interminable question I’ve been enduring for the last forty minutes. “wazzup?” Your phone, right up your orifice. How’s that for irony pal? And it would just get funnier and funnier every time he got another text. “Wazzup!” I think you are only too aware of what’s up sir. Oh what fun.
Well, that thought has really cheered me up. This blog post has been very therapeutic for me, though probably at the risk of being rather disconcerting for you reading this.
If you’re coming to one of my gigs soon, then take this as a warning. If a text alert goes off during a performance and it’s “wazzup”, the Crazy Frog or any other novelty ring tone, then be prepared to do a lot of standing up, and for the ignominy of a hospital visit. The hospital staff won’t be able to operate on your rectum because they’ll be doubled over laughing as the sound of the crazy Frog emanates from your behind.
I am a little concerned however there may be some people who find the thought of all this highly erotic rather than a cruel punishment, and therefore deliberately put the crazy frog as their ring tone so that they’ll get this special treatment.
My goodness, I Doubt there are many websites on the Internet with the phrase “crazy frog and the words “erotic”, “arse” and “rectum” in such close proximity. Perhaps I’ve got some new readers who clicked on this link in Google after doing a hopeful search for crazy frog porn. I’m sorry to disappoint you, but this is probably not going to satiate your appetite.
And from talk of crazy frog porn I seamlessly transition to talking about BBC radio 3. The Young’uns session and interview that we did live on BBC radio 3’s World on 3 programme has now been removed from the BBC IPlayer. For those of you who didn’t get round to listening, you can download our bit of the programme here.
I’ll keep this up permanently. Well, I know that nothing is really permanent, as I’ve already established. I use the word “permanent” figuratively. I thought I better point that out just in case you were starting to think that me uploading my BBC Radio 3 session to this blog is my equivalent of the “wazzup” tone.
The last thing I want is for someone equally as warped as me to read this, come to the same conclusions as I came to about “wazzup” man, and the next thing I know I’ve got a BBC Radio 3 session stuck up my arse. I imagine that would be extremely painful. Especially if they decided to just go the whole hog and simply stick all of BBC Radio 3 up my arse. That’s the entire BBC symphony Orchestra up there for god’s sake. What a thought! Although it would certainly make for a very interesting BBC proms.
Anyway, you can download the arse free Young’uns BBC radio 3 session here.
Thanks for reading. I hope I haven’t disconcerted you too much. This professional freelance lifestyle is evidently not good for my mental health. This is what happens when you take me out of a 9-5 corporate world.
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